Plans.

Good evening all who read this πŸ™‚

I try to post on this every week, but on the weeks I don’t post anything it’s because nothing has really stuck out to me, that I needed to talk about. Until well today.

I have many people ask me…
How are you?
Are things okay?
Have you talked to him?
What exactly happened?
What happened with the babies?
And the one I love the most is how are you so strong right now?

My answer to them is God. God has shown me what he wants for me, and that wasn’t the “man” I suppose to end up with. Though it may be heart breaking to go through such a tragic thing I am so blessed that it happened. Every day I wake up, sometimes with a smile sometimes with a gosh I need to go to work, and even with a little sadness. But I am grateful that I have a wonderful support system to help me through each day. I wake up and go to work, I go to the gym, I hang out friends, I laugh, and cry and so much more. And I am so grateful to be alive. I would be lying to say that I’m over him but I am certainly healing thanks to God.

I am almost done with my 6 weeks of groundwork for my regen group and then I will be going into my first step; admit. I am so excited to start my 12 steps to recovery. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me, and in the mean time I am just living life. Trying to better myself and loving the people around me. Because when it comes down to it “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and that is the truth. I feel so strong, I have the faith, hope and trust that God has a plan.

“So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not to far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are “

Overwhelmed.

Hello,

I haven’t wrote anything in a couple weeks. I have been so busy not even physically but mostly mentally that I didn’t even know what I was going to write. (I felt like it would be a novel).

Something’s I am feeling, today has been hard; hell this whole past week has been a roller coaster. For once I’m trying to make myself happy, but I don’t really know how to go about that. I almost feel stuck. I do the same things every week it’s my rut. This week I have really been blaming myself for things that have happened in the past. It has been coming to surface and I’m thinking of all the ways I wish I would have done things differently. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling as lost as I do today. Certainly not as lonely because I would have the man I love beside me.
I know when healing and trying to get over someone or something you have to give yourself time to grief. For me I feel like it’s been long enough, and I still don’t know how I can have these feelings of love for someone. Someone who has totally crushed me. I think to myself, I wonder if he goes to the same places with her or does she wake up and take care of the girls in the way I need. And if she does… Does he think about me? I know this isn’t a way of thinking and it will only make things worse, but it’s so hard not to. Welp that’s the end of Mary’s sob story!

BETTER NEWS!!
I am currently going into my third week of regeneration and I love it. Mondays are probably my favorite day of the week now. I go and
I stand there and I praise The Lord and I sing and dance and I just feel so holy. I feel whole again almost. I am around amazing women who are so brave each week to share their stories and seek recovery. I also made a friend πŸ™‚ who is pretty awesome.
I leave regeneration every Monday and I feel so new, and happy and loved. I have to constantly remind myself that God loves me and I SO worth it. I just want my whole world do be filled with Jesus and love. I am reading two books at the moment : 5 love languages by Gary chapman and love-ology by John Comer. AWESOME BOOKS!

Though times are hard, I turn to God and I pray. I pray that this crazy roller coaster he has me going on will all be worth it. Because I have all my trust in Him. And He is a wonderful. I am already loving the new real God loving woman that God wants me to be evolving. πŸ™‚

Recovery.

Last night was the first night or regeneration. A program that is held at a church in Dallas to help those who need to recover. Not only from addiction or abuse, but from anything you are struggling with. I was so nervous to go, I didn’t know how it would be, or what kind of people would be there… So lucky me my best friend went for support. I’ve never been the type to stand up in a church and just put my hands in the air and praise, but looking around at all these wonderful people just singing their heart out really touched mine.

The leader said it good to actually confess what you are struggling with so here are mine.

my struggles:
*I struggle with body image and the way I’m suppose to look
*I struggle with self worth
*I struggle with love and wanting/needing love
*I struggle with trusting others
*I struggle with anxiety
*I struggle with rejection
*I struggle with anger
*I struggle with controlling

I’m sure I struggle with so much more. But Last night marked the night that I am going to be recovering. I can not wait to see what God has in store for me and how this community of women are going to impact my life.

As far as everyday life, I’m taking it day by day. I am trying to go out and hang out with friends and just live my young life, but I feel like something is always missing. I’m hoping God can fill that emptiness. And for my heart, it is getting stronger and stronger. I catch myself sometimes smiling for no reason, and at first I thought that wasn’t okay… But after prayer I see that God is helping me heal.

“Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything I’ve got…”

Blessings.

Today I have been counting my blessings that God has given me.

I am beyond blessed that I have such an amazing family. I have never really had a father figure in my life other than my grandfather. So my mom has been mom and dad and let me say she has done a pretty dang good job πŸ™‚ my mom is my best friend. She has supported me in everything I have wanted to do but then when needed made sure I have the discipline to make me who I am. Because of her I am the woman I am today. She is a strong, independent, loving woman. And I am blessed God gave me her in my life. And as for my wonderful aunt and cousins who have really helped me get over this speed bump in my life. Words could never explain how much warm my heart is. ❀️

I am so blessed to have such an amazing best friend in my life. Blessed is an understatement for the friendship God has given me with her. She has been by my side through everything and has given up so many nights to make sure I was not alone. And I believe that Gods plan for me has her right beside me. She is such a selfless person who cares so much about others. I sure do have an angel to stand beside and walk through life with. πŸ˜‡ and for all my friends who have also been by my side I can not describe the love I have for each and every one of you. I am just so blessed.

I am blessed to have an awesome job. I have worked there for so long that I don’t consider it work, I enjoy going there every day because it’s my family. They have seen me grown in so many ways and have always helped me and supported me.

And as for the wonderful man upstairs, I am so blessed to have been connected with you. I know this is new to me, but where have I been? I feel like I have been so lost without your guidance. God only gives his strongest soldiers the hardest struggles. I have learned to pray, not just for me but for those around me. Everyone needs a little extra love and that’s what I have been doing. I am blessed to have already been freed of so many emotions all because I have someone who loves me unconditionally, and believes that I am worth it.

I am so blessed!

Grateful.

happy Sunday!

Today I asked my friend, “where do you see my life going?” She kind of looked at me confused. I said “you know how you can look at a person and just see how successful they are going to be in their future.” I wonder where my life is leading.

I’ve been thinking long and hard. And I want to really follow in the footsteps of Christ. I want to be led and have all my trust in The Lord. This thought is scary. How can I have trust in someone who isn’t really here, physically on earth? But I have noticed, with everything going on in my life that I close my eyes and I pray. I ask God to please give me strength to get through what I’m feeling, show me something to give me hope that the plan you have for me is real… That you don’t give people situations that they can’t handle. And then out of no where I feel okay.

Tuesday, I had someone come into my place of work a person I knew but not personally. He is a pastor at a local church. He was informed that i was just starting my journey to follow Christ. I smiled and walked away. Went to clean the rest of my section. Before leaving he came up to me, and looked me in the eyes and said “if you truly believe in Him, he will show you the path you need to take. You have to truly believe, again I smiled and said thank you. He smiled back and said “you know he gave his life for you because you are good enough because you are worth it” I became very emotional. This man who knew nothing about me, had just touched my heart in a way that nobody has ever touched my heart before. For the first time in months i felt good enough.

This is a new and scary journey for me. But I believe that God has a plan for me, and I am beyond excited to see who and what waits for me at the end of the tunnel. πŸ™‚

Romans 8:18

Late night thinking

As I lay here in my bed, alone. Which I have been for the past three weeks. I can’t stop to think about the things I could have done differently. Is this my fault? what did I not do that made my fiancΓ©e want to cheat on me….

I’m angry. Because this is the man I let into my life. I gave him my heart, the heart that has been stepped on and crushed over and over again by so many men in my life. I’m angry because I didn’t see it coming. I’m angry because this is the man who got down on one knee and asked me to be his best friend for the rest of his life? Yet he wanted to be with another woman. I’m angry because as I lay here alone he is laying next to her.

I’m sad. Because I love him. With every single part of my heart. I’m sad because I was excited about a family together. I was ready. Unlike most people my age I felt like I had a purpose. I was a good mom to his children. I’m sad because I am not only losing the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I’m losing the two children that I have mothered for the past year. An extended family who did everything they could to make sure we were okay. I’m sad because I’ve lost this dream that I have dreamt about for so long.

I’m confused. Because how could a person do this to another person? A person you so call love…. Just leave them behind? How could you really love someone and not make an effort to make them your one and only. I’m confused because even now he still says he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet when he leaves he doesn’t talk to me, he goes on about his life with this new girl. While I’m here left with those last words. “I still love you Mary” .

I’m happy. Because I know God has a plan for everything. And thank goodness this all happened before we tied the knot. I’m happy because I have opened my heart to God, and I want to make him my number one first. I’m happy because I stood up and said no more, I can’t give you anything else. I’m happy because I know I will move on and God has someone even greater waiting ahead for me. I’m happy because this whole situation has opened my eyes to, I forgot about me. I forgot what it feels like to love Mary…

I am so many emotions. And as I lay here thinking about what I might say to him tomorrow when he comes to get the last of his things, my heart still loves him. But I know he doesn’t love me. A man who loves someone would never treat them the way he has treated me.

Goodnight .

New beginning

We’ll hello there,

I am certainly new to this whole blog thing but i feel like it would be good to get things off my chest. And almost vent, as well as maybe help others get through some of the same situations I have or am going through.

First off my name is Mary, I am 21 years old and I live in the big ole state of Texas. I am originally from California but have been living in Texas for over 11 years. I am currently going to college to be a teacher. I want majoring in education minoring in dance, sociology and nutrition. I work as a server at a little restaurant in town. I have two crazy dogs that I love and we’ll my whole world has turned upside in a matter of two years.

About two years ago, I realized that I had a problem with the way I looked. I was over weight for my height, didn’t have any confidence what so ever and just felt alone. I have many friends and I am a total social butterfly just something wasn’t right. I tried many different things but it finally worked, I did a fad diet called the slim4life diet and lost 45lbs in 9 weeks. crazy. Anywho, and I felt like a whole new ME! I was confident and I loved myself because I was finally happy with who I was becoming, a better and healthier me! Then came along a boy…we’ll he was older than a boy. But he swept me off my feet. It made me feel special, and worth something. I for once was being chased while usually I get rejected. Here this man wanted or actually begged me on a date and I kept saying no finally I gave in…. And ever since then my heart has been so full of happiness. Until a couple a of months ago. Everything was going fast, but the relationship felt so right. He asked me to marry him on thanksgiving 2013, and OF COURSE SAID YES! With a big diamond but I was so happy…. And out of nowhere it feels like I lost him. Today is July 12,2014 and we are no longer together. I broke up with the man of my dreams about three weeks ago… I started to notice I wasn’t worrying about myself. And he sure wasn’t worried about me. I found out he was cheating… We have been fighting about this girl for months now that he worked with and in the end he is with her now. I am currently in the healing process and am confused as all hell.

One second I feel angry, next I’m happy, or sad or depressed and so many emotions. I think to myself how could a man who got down on one knee up and just leave me the way he did. AGAIN I broke up with him, only because I wasn’t happy but I feel as f he left me. He stopped trying to pursue me he stopped wanting to love me or make me a priority. And that’s when i knew I had stopped loving myself.

I am currently trying to get back on the path that I was on before i met him. It’s hard because he keeps popping up into my life in different ways. Wanting to work things out, he’s sorry, I love you. And you know WHOEVER is reading this, I love him more than words will ever explain, but I know I deserve the world. And right now he can’t give me that. One thing I have struggled with is making excuses for him. “Oh he will be home soon, he must be busy (at 2am)”yeah ladies NO! I don’t know what was going through my head, but I know my momma raised me to be a lot smarter than that.

Again whoever is reading this. Thanks. Comment and tell me what you think about everything. I’ll try to write in this about once a week. About what’s going on, my fitness goals and every day life.

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